Post Post Revelation

(Get it? Not Dance Dance Revolution? No? ...)

So I tested a theory, and went back and read my posts from the beginning of this blog. And I was right.

This blog started around the time I started this job at STC. I had worked in Customer Service and dealt with dumb/mean/angry people, and had already been dubbed Anger Girl, but for the most part I would say I was pretty well-balanced mentally.

Then I got mugged.
Then Tamburlaine became a cluster-eff.

And all of a sudden sweet little CSmith is an ASSwipe! There were times I tried to focus on the positives, but basically once that shit went down I was changed.

Andrew believes that I expect too much from people, that I expect everyone not to be stupid. That I think that by now they know what the season calendar looks like this year, and where their seats are in the Harman. Or that by now anyone at WSC would know to keep me in the loop. Or that people don't commit crimes on my person.

He's right. I expect that by now after all of my bitching and moaning and pointed letters to the effect of "ah-DUH" that someone above me would have gotten the message. I expect that by now people know how to use the fucking internet. I expect that by now people know what they're doing.

Because I do.

I have to learn to remember that this is not one long episode of "Being CSmith" (not Being John Malkovich, which I finally watched and loved recently). No one is in my head, and a LOT of people are stupid. I wish it weren't that way, but my losing my cool and getting hostile is not going to alleviate any situation with dumb people. It's only going to provoke them into being even MORE stupid and perhaps complaining to a stupid superior and result in my getting my stupid ass fired or never worked with again.

I have REALLY let my stress get to me this month. Not good. I have not been the nicest person, and I think I am mostly pretty nice. I just need a stress ball and the job at the Folger (but I would take Round House, even though I think it will be JUST as stressful as now, Andrew).

This limbo sucks. I'm in my new apartment, but it's not whole yet because Andrew's not home (and I can't get the effing curtains mounted). I'm moving on with my life and getting a new job, I just don't know where yet because they're all taking their time to let me know. I work in theatre professionally, but have only had one Acting role since graduation (and after looking at a list of theatres I want to work for as an actor, I realize just how few people I really know).

I have been in ALL this limbo for over a month. That kind of limbo really takes its toll on a girl as mentally unstable as I seem to be now.

No more excuses. Now I recognize what I am and I need to be a better person. If I'm not I will lose everything that's dear to me. That's been made clear.

Ok, fine: Eff you, Sonia. You sit next to me every day and you sing "Never gonna give," and you come in late to work and make me and everyone else hate you! Why you gots to be so mean? Tsk. Maaaaan!
(She asked me to curse her out but not make her cry in this post. This is not an example of the newer nicer me...)