Thoughts on Life

Hello!

So in this time of 14 months to marriage (pronounced mary-ahj) I take a look at my life and think WHY THE FUCK DON'T I HAVE MONEY?! and WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!

I love my job - I truly do! Sure sometimes I want to kick a docent in the face with a 4 inch stiletto that I would buy just for that occasion and the pleasure it would bring me BUT I took the job thinking that I would not need for more finances. Quit WSC to do it. Thought I would have endless peace and joy. And now I find that if I want to continue paying off my student loans and get married in a year I will need a second job. Poop.

The thing is, if I want to act - I can't really get a second job. The thing is, if I want to act - I really should have more auditions lined up than I do. I think it's pretty safe to say that the Fall is looking like another break that so happens to coincide with Andrew's next trip to Detroit. Perfect. The thing is, I'm not so certain now that professional acting for the minimal pay is worth the payoff.

In 2 years I've done 3 professional shows. I thoroughly enjoyed myself during rehearsals (aside from the travel for Inspector) and put a lot of effort into my work. None of the shows were well-recieved; and backstage morale wasn't exactly high. In fact, I almost reverted to my STC depression during Inspector. Depression and a few audiences paying to see it really aren't worth the 3 months of energy and sacrifice I put into this. In my opinion. Sorry if that sucks or sounds bratty.

I would definitly put 3 months (or more) of effort into a show I believed in with a team I respected which I felt had a purpose. I'm 2/3 for every show I've worked on - what is the purpose of putting on a show? Boards and Artistic Directors don't pull show titles out of a hat - they mean something to someone, and I make it mean something to me (which is why I was so heartbroken about Red Noses unpopularity) and I care about it and if it means nothing to everyone else why bother? I can't pour myself into a void.

Conclusion: I want to join Wandering Souls - a touring minimalist company that brings theatre to audiences that wouldn't normally get it: homeless shelters, inner-city schools, prisons, detention centers, etc. This would give purpose to my effort, meaning to my art. I want to work for companies that have fun with themselves and each other and put on shows that mean something to the community they reach. There are companies in DC that I would still desperately put myself out there for (Forum, dog&ponydc, Inkwell, Catalyst, Taffety Punk, Rorschach, Theatre Alliance, to name a few) because I can see that passion for meaningful theatre with fresh perspective in them. But I also want to feel like my effort means something - if I'm going to play Rock #1, dammit, I'm going to be the best GD rock you ever seen!.

I guess that should be "conclusion A" because that has nothing to do with me making more money.

Conclusion B: I don't want to get a second job. And I can't get a raise at work. And just getting booked for a couple of shows isn't going to pay off these loans. So I guess I have to unless something changes this summer. Otherwise I'm applying to Uno's and America Cafe at Union Station for after-work and weekends waitressing. Sigh.

If anyone has any suggestions for a PT job that could pull down $10-15K that I could do from home or from work, please let me know!

Love.