Don't laugh. Ok, but you can laugh it's kinda funny.
Preface this with my "crisis" last week.
During a 5 minute break last night, everyone had gone outside or to the restrooms, so I danced. Nothing fancy, just elongations and stretches and one turn. Kathleen "caught" me doing it. She didn't mock or anything, she just said, "you were dancing."
I explained that it had been a HUGE part of my life, so especially since I'm all in Boutros now, it's coming out more and more how much I miss doing it. She asked how long I had, and I told her: 15 years. Ages 2-17. Of course, the natural question after that is "why did you stop?"
It wasn't only the politics and the body image by that time. You know, in my senior year of high school I was cast in the same roles in the Nutcracker that I had been in as a freshman. That was it for me. I would continue to take a couple of classes a week, and teach, but I was done. I had realized that Dancing was "no longer freeing." I had never used that phrase before, but there it was.
Kathleen pointed out that my experience with Acting had been much the same at Catholic, "as a freshman you take the roles you get because, you know, that's what you get. But as a senior you deserve much more consideration, and your department should be helping you." I thought for a second, and said that by then, by senior year of college, I knew it was a lot of politics and image, it is that way in this world. But acting, with VERY few exceptions for me, is still freeing. It still feels good to do.
After what was a successful rehearsal of Theories (for me), I walked up the Hartke stairs to go to the metro. In full view of that amazing Basilica, I pressed shuffle on my iPod and Josh Groban's You Are Loved began to play.
Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world. When your heart's heavy I - I will lift it for you.
I thought over everything I've been thinking for the past week in light of tonight's epiphanies. How I love acting. How I loved dancing. How hard it is to do what you love because of the restrictions and conditions the world places on it. How much easier it would seem to just let it go.
Don't give up. Because you want to be heard If silence keeps you I - I will break it for you
How easy it is to stay quiet and small, and how hard it is to break out of myself and be LOUD.
Don't give up. Because you are loved
About 20 paces from Hartke I burst into tears. Not sad or happy just emotional. It was so easy to walk away from Ballet because it hurt me, but I still long for the freedom of dancing. Would it be so easy to leave theatre behind now? Would I want to? Or would I spend my life regretting not having REALLY tried?
Don't give up. Because you are loved
I have family. I have friends... MANY MANY friends who know what I'm thinking and understand and can help. I don't see these things until I'm literally bowled over by them. I can't give up because it's easy. I need to try.
And I will.
8 comments:
gooooooooooood post. thank you.
I quit ballet halfway through high school because I'd been doing it nonstop since about age 4 - I got the same chorus parts in the nutcracker every year too :/
dance is great. I still feel pretty jubilant when I go take a really good class at joy of motion.. but it's really hard not to feel guilty about not being better at it, or not doing it more regularly.
I quit ballet halfway through high school because I'd been doing it nonstop since about age 4 - I got the same chorus parts in the nutcracker every year too :/
dance is great. I still feel pretty jubilant when I go take a really good class at joy of motion.. but it's really hard not to feel guilty about not being better at it, or not doing it more regularly.
I feel inspired.
by you, the big man upstairs, Kathleen, and Josh- one big happy family.
Josh Groban = <3
He has lifted me out of a lot of really terrible places when I needed it. His music really helps me like no other.
I am sorry you had to go through that with dancing. I hope theatre works out for you because you rock. For serious (:
OH dance. I know exactly how you feel on that subject. I still to this day harbor some ill feelings towards those "wasted" years. And yet I wouldn't change them if I could. I miss dance so much. I think we should open up our own studio, we could involve dance, musical theater, acting, the whole 9 yards! We could sooo do it! :)
Genial fill someone in on and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you on your information.
Ive seen enough L. No one liked to be friends with aguy who stuffed his face.
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Ive seen enough L. No one liked to be friends with aguy who stuffed his face.
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