I know I know, why ruin a perfectly happy upbeat blog with some downer entry about life and adulthood and change...
...what blog have you been reading?
Here's the Deal: I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I enjoy acting. I love working in theatre (in a creative capacity).
BUT
In order to do so, you must be ok with a little butt-kissing, a little schmoozing, and a little shameless self-promotion. And by a little I mean a LOT.
I love Andrew, and I love the lifestyle we have now, and have big plans for down the road.
BUT
In order to have these things, one must have money. Money the likes of which cannot be got from a purely artistic career.
AND SO WE COME TO IT
I cannot reconcile my distaste for ass-kissing with the artistic integrity of whatever performances I might be lucky enough to work on in my short time in theatre. I've been trying to write the "hire me" letters to companies I want to work for, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I sound so false to myself! I really do want to work for these people, but not if I have to kiss their or anyone else's ass to do it!
The other problem is that Theatre is SOOOOO Politik. It's all about WHO you know and how others percieve you. One slip, one wrong word at the wrong time, and you might have just shot your own foot off in the theatre community. It's SO close-knit already. It's like trying to break into and become part of a brick wall when you're a straw.
I'm also a young white brunette actress... yeah, one of about 100+ in DC! And my look, while I would say it's "different" isn't going to help me exactly.
PLUS after about 10 years of this work, working a FT job that I don't want to die at, and working as much in theatre as I can, I want to be able to step back, say "that's enough, and that was fun" and have a family with Andrew in Frederick. I want to be able to be proud of my theatrical experience, and not regret ANYTHING I had to do to do it. I also don't want to regret NOT doing it at all!
So as I am in the process of looking for a new job, and wondering what career field I should look into, and knowing that I can't really afford to go to grad school... what do I do?
Do I become a corporate drone? Appreciating the stability, but hating the work?
Do I attempt to become a teacher, taking a few courses and tests for certification while assisting teachers in the area?
Do I stay in the Box Offices, since that's where I am the most skilled?
Do I change career paths entirely?
The thing is, my parents believe that my dream is to be an actor. And at one time it was! I'd rehearse my acceptance speeches in the shower like anyone else. And they're right in that I love to perform. But SHOW BUSINESS is different than THEATRE (which, according to an old professor, ends after college). They would be disappointed if I chose soccer-mom duties over broadway. I think.
So that's where I am. Too busy to be trying to have these thoughts, but in too deep with them now.
3 comments:
Theatre doesn't have to end after college! And what's more, the self-promotion and networking ..or ass-kissing.. that it takes to be successful in theatre really aren't any different than the self-promotion and networking it takes to be successful in any career! In my opinion, life in general is competetive and "show business" gets a bad rap because it's unapologetic about the coincidence and serendipity of it all... so much in life depends on just saying the right thing, to the right person, in the right place, at the right time.
So don't give up on theatre because we're schmoozie! Everyone's schmoozie, we're just loud about it. LOL ...hope you aren't feeling TOO overwhelmed!! <3
AHHH C!!!
I hear you. I understand what you're saying - esp. the wrong thing said, at wrong time, foot shot off - I know the feeling. even if you DIDN'T say "the wrong thing" - you think you may have and therefore experience anxiety over whether or not you DID say the wrong thing and whether or not "YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN". lol. ridiculous.
Dreams change. It happens. I think it's brave to let them change and let your life take a path that 10 years ago you may have rejected. Just listen to your soul and it'll guide you correctly through these tumultuous theatrical waters or beyond if that's what you choose.
love you.
I completely understand what you are feeling. You want to perform, but also have enough money to live and be comfortable plus you want to be able to have a family one day! (ps right now I am listening to Sara Bareilles' song Bottle It Up "Love,love, love I do it for love" how perfect is that?)So yeah CSmith listen to Sara and do it for love...follow your heart. You are 22! Soooo young! Even at 52, you could change your mind and the world will just have to accept it!
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