Oi'm 'En-e-ry the ATHE oi am, oi am...

Hello!

On a more positive note - I've finally bridged the gap to non-fiction (after talking about it for more than a year...) Last week I read Shakespearean Afterlives and loved it so much I reviewed it on Amazon.com! Now I'm reading The Six Wives of Henry VIII by Alison Weir, considered the definitive look at these women's lives. They. Are so. Fascinating. I mean seriously - strong, interesting, clever women who faced the biggest tyrant with passion and perseverence. Except for Katherine Howard - she was just a ho.

DID YOU KNOW Jane Seymour was actually kinda a skank? She knew what she was doing, and played all innocent, employing the EXACT same tactics that Anne Boleyn used on Henry. But because Anne was a less beloved Queen than Katherine of Aragon had been, it went much faster for Jane (7 months as opposed to the 7 years Anne had to keep Henry dangling).

ALSO, gross fact: everyone had affairs back then (ew) but DID YOU KNOW that Jane Seymour's father had an affair with his eldest son's wife, which threw the paternity of their kids into question? The son, Edward, packed his wife off to a nunnery, disowned his kids, and wouldn't speak to his dad for years. They reconciled in time to get Jane on the throne, though. Yuk.

I think I want to rewrite this history for liberal high schools. It would go something like this:

So there was this king, right? Henry 8, and his dad (Henry 7, follow?) was a stingy bastard - saving as much dollars as he could. 8's brother, Arthur shoulda been king, but he died young, right after he got married, yo! How the suck is that!? Arthur had married Katherine of Aragon (remember Chris Columbus? Her parents were the ones who sent him to America!). But Katherine said that she and Arthur had never fucked, right, which in those times meant that their marriage pretty much never happened.

Ok - so our man 8 is now the Crown Prince - which was never supposed to have happened. He was being raised to be a priest or something, right? HOW COOL IS THAT!? Now he gets to be KING instead of a stupid poor secretary. Old Man 7 sees this, right, and immediately shuts 8 up in a room next to his so he can monitor the boy's behavior.

Meanwhile, Katherine is waiting and waiting and waiting to get married. 7 promises that 8 will marry her, but double deals with other countries behind her back. Her dad's pissed, btw.

YEARS and YEARS of waiting and poverty later, 7 dies and 8 marries Katherine, even though she had been married to his brother. Katherine is 6 years odler than 8, by the way, and by the standards of the times, she OLD. She was only 26, though, so you be the judge. They're married for 18 years - and Katherine only manages to have one living child before her lady-times stop and she can't get pregnant any more. She had 8 babies, but only princess Mary grew up. Being a girl. Mary couldn't exactly inherit 8's kingdom when he died, so 8 wasn't too happy.

Then 8 met this chick named Anne Boleyn, right? Now, 8 was kinda a man-ho, and had sexed up a whole bunch of people including Anne's sister Mary (Mary Boleyn, not his daughter). He was even baby-daddy to this kid named Henry Fitzroy by this skank named Bessie Blount. Katherine wasn't happy about this (would you be?) but accepted this shit as normal for a royal married life. THAT IS THE SUCK!

Anne, on the other hand, wouldn't let herself be sexed up by our man 8. She wanted to be queen, not some one-night ho. So she planted ideas in Henry's head about her being able to have sons that he needed to keep the throne secure and all. But she wouldn't have no bastard. Had to be legit. So Henry applies for a divorce from Katherine.

It's not like now where you can go down the street to a divorce lawyer. You had to have a really good reason to want to get separated, and needed the approval of the Pope. The Pope wouldn't grant his approval (after 7 years of wishy-washying around) and by then 8 had already taken matters into his own hands and made himself head of the church in England. Now England's pissed, Katherine's pissed, and Anne is still waiting. Katherine insists she is 8's lawful wife, and has to stand there while her sexual history is dragged into the public eye.

8, as head of England, says Katherine isn't his wife, w/e, and marries Anne. Anne's head got WAY big after that and she treats everyone like shit. She makes enemies out of just about everyone, and even poisons a few people who stand in her way. 8's not too happy about that, and he's still sexing up other people, which Anne does not take well. She publicly yells at 8 for it, and he tells her that better women than herself stood for it so STFU!!!

Anne has one baby that lives, also. Also a girl. Elizabeth. 8 blames Anne for not having male children and looks for a way out. Meanwhile, Katherine has died - abandoned and practically alone in a small uncomfortable house miles from 8 - still claiming to be his wife. It looks bad for Anne, because they think Katherine was poisoned, even though we know now that Katherine had cancer on her heart.

8 makes his advisor, Cromwell, create a false story about how Anne sexed up a whole bunch of mens and talked about killing 8 - treason, in those days. One of the men they accuse her of sexing is her own brother! Ew. 8 has already decided to marry Jane Seymore, who also refuses to be sexed until she's Queen.

Anne and 5 men (including her brother and her musician) were condemned to death for treason, even though there was no real evidence against them. They were very brave and died well. Anne went a bit crazy waiting to die, because she had climbed so high and fell so far. 8 didn't go to see her die, but went off to be with his lady Jane as soon as he was a "bachelor" again.

that's all for now.