Grumble Gurgle

Well it’s happened. The happiness has dissipated and CSmith is grumbly.
Oh, Folger’s fine. Nothing I can’t handle, there.
But I’ve reached the point on PUNCH. The point where you just want it to effing open already so it will close and you can have a life again, if only briefly.

I’m sick of being in rehearsals and sitting on my ass taking notes and MISSING notes and feeling incompetent though I am, and not secretly, NOT a Stage Manager. Never want to be. Never wanted to be. In my mind, this is a favor for friends and colleagues – practically volunteering my time and effort to a show that I actually do find offensive, though funny.

I’m sick of being tired ALL the TIME, though I can’t blame PUNCH for that entirely. I’m apparently insomniac-ing it up without Andrew here, and everything that goes with that.

I’m sick of rewrites and blocking and technical issues that I wouldn’t normally think about! I reiterate: I NEVER wanted to be a Stage Manager, and this is further proof that I will NEVER do it again. I don’t think this way about things. I don’t! And I don’t want to start.

Ask me to House Manage. Ask me to run the light board. Ask me to perform for you (golly, what a novel concept)! But for heaven’s sake, people, don’t you EVER ask me to Stage Manage. I won’t do it. I will quell my inner struggle and desire to think that this is the only way to remain your friend and tell myself a real friend would still like me as a Theatre Professional even if I refuse to do this one thing for them. And they probably would have.

I thought I’d need something to do with my evenings while Andrew was gone, but I shouldn’t have done this. I have enough now with a new job and Ballet Classes and seeing shows and seeing friends! This is just more and more of my time that I really can’t afford to sell for that little.

BAH! I am so FRUSTRATED!

I am an actor. Not a technician, not a wannabe Jill-of-all-Trades. I like the ONE trade. Ok, the TWO trades (because let’s face it – my job at the Folger rizz-OCKS!) I cannot adapt to this, and refuse to try.

If Stage Management is Oil, then call me Water, baby.

Can I make this any clearer? Or am I beating this dead horse?
One more palpable hit, then: Eff. This.

I should say that I do love the people in PUNCH. The actors are great, and dog&ponydc’s first ladies are excellent and fun. It’s the job itself I loathe. Rather than think creatively, I have to think technically. Rather than see the fun in the blood, I have to see the mess. Rather than even simply enjoying the show, I have to be noting minute technical details and click through a series of cues. L

One more week and then we’re open.
Three weeks after that it’s done.
Two weeks after that and I’ll be in Europe, escaping all of this mental inadequacy and lethargy.