Wandering Actoriness

For Future Reference, CSmith, DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

"that" would be this:
So you know how much I wanted to do Wandering Souls - how excited I was about them doing Winter's Tale (my favorite Shakespeare play)... then they announced their schedule. Rehearsals beginning in early August with performances in September. A quick email to Kathleen confirmed that I could not do Longacre Lea AND that show.

Panic sets in.

Caitlin the Actor REALLY wants to do Winter's Tale, but Caitlin the Person is TOO AFRAID to tell Kathleen how badly she really wants it, even though she knows Kathleen would understand! C the P is afraid that she will have to quit Longacre Lea NOW to even seriously audition as C the A. This stems from a longago tale of woe:

11 year old CSmith just discovered acting - loved it. In one week I auditioned for the lead in a musical about a child murderess and a children's theatre. The Children's theatre calls offering me the role of the Emporess in The Emporer's New Clothes. PSHAW, I said, I rocked that musical audition. NOT ONE HOUR LATER the musical calls to say I look too old. After years of looking "too young" I am now too old - I wail into my bedspread. My dad called the Children's Theatre who had already recast, but could still put me in the roll of one of the team of Doctors. Lesson... learned?

Now, afraid that I will repeat the mistake of giving up a sure thing for an outside chance, I decide (BADLY) not to talk to Kathleen about it and just go to the audition, telling them that I would give my left arm to do it (truth) and that if they want me I will make it happen. I stumble through my monologues (rock them, actually, I think, I thought) and head out. No word for 2 weeks at least. By then Longacre Lea rehearsals have started, I'm so stressed out I'm not eating right, and the guilt weighs on me so heavy that I fear I will collapse while walking.

In an email conversation with the Artistic Director, and feeling like a total waffle, I tell Wandering Souls that I no longer can clear my calendar for rehearsals. Still feel like shit. I am also now their Booking Manager, so I get to help - but still feel like a load of crap for (badly) trying to play everything to my advantage. I don't actually think I was being considered, anyway. WHINY MOMENT: Will I ever get to do Shakespeare?

I didn't feel totally better until I told Kathleen the whole truth. It felt really good, because (as I knew all along) Kathleen understands. Why don't I ever remember these things when I should? She didn't just generically make me feel better, either, she reassured me that I wasn't a piece of crap and asked what my next step was. Practical and Wonderful.

My next step was to grow a pair and email theatre companies. I'll say whether or not that's working out soon. Had an audition for INKWELL on Sunday that was ok - I felt really flat. I had prepared 2 of their sides, and saw that the person ahead of me was doing my #1. So I did my #2. And felt kinda flat. Ah well, we shall see what comes of it.

And hopefully more auditions on the horizon, eh?