Venting about Adventuring Gone Wrong

I don't want to leave that angry and depressing post up until I finally get a chance to write again. But there's not much else to think about right now, so if you'll pardon me, I would like to take this opportunity to let out all of my feelings in writing. Maybe then I'll stop talking to myself about it while I'm walking now.

I HATE THAT GUY.

I wish I could say that I will forgive him, or let it go, but I've never been one to forgive even the littlest grievances. If Billy pushed me down on the playground when I was four, then the odds are that I still wish Billy a world of hurt. (There is no Billy. It's an example.) But this guy didn't just push me down (which he did do). He took my stability and my fragile grasp on security in this town. He has taken what little confidence I had in myself and in the goodness of other people and replaced it with pure terror. I don't trust anyone to leave me be anymore, or even respect my space or person. I can't do that again because the next time I let my guard down I might lose more than my possessions.

I HAVE to travel alone to get places sometimes, and I HAVE to be ok doing that. Granted, I will not longer carry such a large bag with so much shit in it, and granted, I will never go near that area again without a full bodyguard (or at least a large guy friend). And never again at night. But what about my audition next Tuesday on 14th Street? It's after 9pm, will I be ok by myself at this time of year? What about when I have to walk to WSC to do paperwork? That's not exactly a safe area, and I swear I was in tears by the time I passed the shady motel last night.

Not only that, I've reverted a bit into my mother... by that I mean I'm afraid that I might be the littlest bit racist right now. I can't look at any black man between the ages of 14 and 30 without thinking It was you, wasn't it? You know him..

Just like last time, I am happy to learn that I have more friends to count on than I ever would have known. I got nothing but warms and fuzzies for my friends. But those warm thoughts, even in droves, aren't enough to drive the memory from my mind of being thrown to the ground and watching a few of my most precious possessions being carried off into the mist by a large dark being. Or knowing that even though there were people a few steps away from me on all sides, no one tried to help. No one stopped him and only one person looked at him... and I find myself even doubting that the witness is trying to help me... that he wasn't an accomplice.

My heart still pounds and I can't enjoy walking anywhere. I know it's only been two days, but for heavens sake... I'm terrified. I just got back from what has been labelled "The Most Dangerous City in America" - Detroit, and I am attacked in the place I felt that I belonged.

Again, wish I could be all love and forgiveness. But I honestly wish only the worst upon that person. That his guts rot from the inside out and he dies puking out his own shit. Or that he is attacked by someone more ruthless than him and never feels safe in his 'hood again. Or a good ol' fashioned ass-raping would be fine. Just so his security and well-being are violated and ruined like he's done to me and who knows who else. Something. I'm sorry if that's shocking.

I can't help but think, though, that he's one of those people that doesn't have a reason for hurting other people: "because I could" is the best reason he's got. That he won't care that I cry out of fear when I'm walking by myself, and am desperate to regain any confidence. He doesn't care that I'm hurting or anyone else he's hurt is hurting or scared... that would actually get him off.

I'm sorry to rant and rave. I want everything to be back to normal, but I have a long way to go before that can happen. Not the least of which is to regain my identity with photo IDs (my apartment complex guards wouldn't let me into the building last night even though I cried), regain my financial security by opening a new checking account and closing the old one, contacting all of my billers and explaining what happened, and re-organzing my life around this shit-hell of a motherfucking Adventure.