After almost a month at STC, I'm almost overflowing with stories about people who call in here and the "fun" we have helping them. One of the best ways to begin this is to relate why I'm thinking of this today. We here at STC have something called a XXX List of Dangerous Patrons. If you're in their account and you see XXX under their description codes, WATCH YOURSELF.
Today Amy (next to me) picks up the phone and immediately regrets it. I can hear the woman screeching through the phone. Amy turns off the microphone and tells us her name, she is an XXX. We all immediately check the account. Apparently this woman has been awfully rude in the past, pushing a House Manager almost down the stairs when she insisted on being seated when she didn't have tickets, and slapping an usher who was trying to help her find her way in the dark. Rude rude rude. Amy was on the phone with her for 21 minutes changing all of her seats show by show for the rest of the performances at Harman. The mezzanine is the new Hell according to our subscribers. Amy stayed patient and helpful, masking her mike whenever she had to have an outburst. I think she should be canonized.
I'll tell ya, the people that call us are freaking crazy. Here are some fantastic quotes from the past few weeks:
Cust:"Marlowe did not write Shakespeare's plays."
BOA: "Right."
Cust:"So why are you performing his plays?"
Cust: "What's the date of the Day after Christmas this year?"
BOA: "I'm sorry we're all sold out for that performance."
Idiot: "Then why did you answer the phone?"
BOA: "Excuse me?"
Idiot: "If you're out of tickets for that show, why did you answer the phone?"
Jerk: "Why did you sell me tickets when the traffic is so bad?"
Dumbass: "Can you call my friend and sell them those tickets?"
Pained Guy: "We have to make this quick, I have really bad diarrhea."
Blonde: "Can you tell me the exact address of 610 F Street?"
Challenged: "I keep typing that address into google maps and it says the Shakespeare Theatre, not Lans-bird or whatever it is."
Mostly, I can make a WHOLE bunch of generalizations:
1.CALLERS WILL NEVER TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN DATES AND TIMES OR ANY DETAILS AT ALL.
A lot of callers will call up and say "I want tickets to (oh, say) A Christmas Carol." Silence... We have to prompt them. "Did you have a date or time in mind?" Then of course they pick, one by one, the dates that are sold out. Why? Because they can. We tell them at the beginning of the conversation that all weekend shows before Christmas are sold out. What's the very next day of the week they say? "Well how about Saturday December 22?" Or worse, "well that won't work for me." Pause, as if I'm going to call another family and say, "I'm sorry but Mrs. Bitchface wants your seats, so even though you called well enough in advance I'm going to sell them to her."
At the same time, This must be the first time STC has ever done a Rep. Repertory means that dates and times change for each performance in a recognizable pattern every 2 weeks. When they call to exchange their Wednesday tickets, I explain that their running in Rep, and then tehy ask for the following week. Or better yet, never even look at a schedule and email us 3 dates to exchange their tickets for Tamburlaine and ONLY have picked Edward dates and times! I swear...
2. SUBS SHOULD NEVER BE SEATED IN THE MEZZANINE. This only leads to them being "appalled," "outraged," and "offended" or find it "unacceptable." Because we are obviously personally insulting them for being long-term subscribers since "5 years/10 years/when it was at the Folger/the dawn of time." We get those calls at least once a day to change seats where we can for the rest of the season.
An elderly gentleman called one day to say he couldn't understand why he had been seated in the back row of the Mezzanine for his show at the Harman. Upon opening his account, I found he was a D-price Sub. He pays the least possible for his subscription and was outraged at his seats. "Well I like sitting in the Box at the Lansburgh." Well the only seats available in that price range are in that section, so I can upgrade you for the rest of the season and next Season I suggest you shell out a little more money and get a better price zone!" Yeeshers.
3. CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG.
You've heard the adage: "The Customer is Always RIGHT, CSmith!" They only THINK they are. They're the ones who call up expecting the Ford's Theatre Box Office (Ford's has been closed for renovations for months). Or they expect there to be shows on a Monday night (no theatre in the world performs on a Monday night in a regular run).
One guy came to pick up his tickets from Will Call for Taming of the Shrew in the eleventh hour. He got them and moseyed on down, so I said "you might want to get in there, the show's about to start!" "WHAT?!?" he exclaims, "every theatre in the world starts at 7 minutes after the scheduled curtain!" "NO they don't!" I exclaimed at him.
Same thing happened once back at CUA. A kid shuffled on up to the Window AT curtain time to buy his ticket with his friends who were on time rushing him on. "Relax, guys, these things never start on time anyway," he sneered. Unable to stop myself (considering he's my peer it's ok) I said, "That's because we usually have to wait for people who think like you to show up so you don't interrupt the show when you're late." "Really?" "Yes, enjoy the show." Shut the blinds. Done and Done.
In three weeks I went from bubbly and happy to embittered and sullen back to bouyant. That could be my bi-polar tendencies but this job is crazy.
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